by Dr. S.M Badur Mohideen MD,DPM, DCH

       Consultant Pediatrician/Psychiatrist      

       Hon Treasurer, Indian Psychiatric Society, South Zone,

       Gen. Body Member, Indian Psychiatric Society, National.             

                        This is a paramount problem for some parents and they are at their wit's end to stop it.  Older children especially 4-5 year olds and some 2-3 year olds tend to get jealous of the new born.  The trick, like health, is prevention rather than cure!  The problem arises when parents are clueless and realize much later, when their older child hurts the younger one.  Finding a solution later is much more difficult and requires a lot more retraining than the "prevention" strategies given here.  Acknowledge that this may be a problem in the future and you have already taken your first step towards solving it!  The reason?  As mentioned before - Prevent rather than solve!

                        The first step in recognizing the issue is understanding it.  You have to understand that as living beings, we are possessive! And when it comes to love, we are even more possessive. Now for your child, you are his world. You were the one he cuddled up to when he was scared, you were the one he came to when he was hungry, you were the one he came to for anything.  And you were always available!  Suddenly, there is someone else sharing the space that was so long his privilege and right.  How would you feel if that happened to you?

                        Here's what children do.  There are times when your older child will be all by himself and have no qualms, but as soon as you start spending time with your younger child, he will start creating a fuss.  Don't be surprised by this.  There will be times when your older son/daughter is very kind to the younger child when they are alone, but starts irritating him/her when you are around.  Sometimes, the opposite happens.  Your older child might beat up the younger sibling when you are not around and be very nice to him in your presence.  Now that you recognize the problem, what is the solution?

                       There is no one easy way out of this problem, but it can be reduced greatly with some precautions.  The help from your husband or other members of the family (if you are in a joint family and these people live in the same house) can be of paramount importance.

Here are some tips and things you need to know to try and prevent sibling rivalry:

• The age old traditions of 'Mummy's child and Daddy's child' came up because they were wise enough to try and share responsibilities. That is one trick to prevent sibling jealousy.
• Prepare your child during your pregnancy. The earlier you start, the better.  Talk to your child about the pregnancy and what happens to the baby in your tummy.
• Train your child to take care of him/herself (if s/he is old enough) and praise every effort s/he makes.
• Move your child to a new room at least a few weeks (ideally 6-7 weeks) before the birth of your new child.
• Make sure your husband starts making time for your older child.  This is the time for some 'father-child' bonding and that way he can handle your child while you need to spend time with your new baby.
• Subtly prepare your child by telling him/her that the baby will need a lot of your time, but that you will always be there for him/her.
• Involve your child in preparing for the arrival of the new baby such as preparing the new room and buying stuff for the new baby.
• When you shop with your older child, try to combine buying new clothes for him/her with buying something for your new baby.  However, make sure this does not become a habit, so do this only when you take him along for baby shopping.
• Prepare your older child for your hospitalization.  Tell your child about his/her designated caregiver during such time .
• Make sure you speak to your child at least twice a day while you are hospitalized.  Do not miss a single day.  However, listen to your doctor if he/she advices you against it for any medical reason.
• Make sure there is someone to take care of your older child while you are hospitalized and that s/he has no reason to go hungry or be left alone.
• When you return home, bring back a nice gift for him from the new baby.
• As soon as you come home, make sure you spend quality time with your older child and get someone else to handle the baby for a short while.
• Ask the visitors to pay attention to your older child as well.
• When your baby is asleep, spend a lot of time with your older child. Give him/her a lot of physical attention.
• Encourage your child to open the baby's gifts and make sure he gets something too. On your baby's birthday, make sure you give your older child something to give the baby and also get him/her something along the way.

If after all your efforts your child is still jealous, then try to understand his behaviour to make sure your baby does not get hurt.

• Never yell at your child initially for any mistakes - Tell him politely that 'good children' do not hurt babies.
• Do not spank him in front of the baby.  Be patient.
• Try and understand what irks your child more.
• Try to find a pattern to when your child hurts the baby - When you are around, when you spend time with the baby or when you are away?
• If he hurts the baby when you are away, then do not leave the two alone 'till they get along very well.
• Do not constantly ask him to stay quiet so that the baby can sleep.  Normally, your baby can sleep even in mildly noisy surroundings.
• Ask him to come to you if he is upset with the baby.  This happens when the baby is old enough to throw things or can break your older child's toys or stuff like that.  This is the time you have to make sure there is no beating up involved.
• If your older child gets very aggressive with your baby, do not hesitate to take him to a child psychiatrist.  No, nothing is wrong with your child, but when all else fails, its time to seek professional help and the earlier you get it, the better it is for both your child and you.